Team Twitter's latest football match report

Team Twitter is a football team comprised of.....well pretty much anyone in London on Twitter that would like to play. Every fortnight or so Team Twitter is brought together to challenge another PR team. The record so far is played -1, lost - 1. This report is from the most recent match-up against Fishburn Hedges.

Stadium: Some park near Maida Vale

Home Team: Fishburn Hedges

Travelling Side: Team Twitter

This week's five-a-side game was against the charming lads from Fishburn Hedges, hosted at their local pitch up in Maida Vale. The Team Twitter line-up included Tom Malcolm (Diffusion), Ben Matthews (Hotwire), Tim Hoang (Porter Novelli), Jon White (Webilicious….or some other ridiculously named firm), James Humphreys (Red), Paul Wooding (Weber Shandwick), Sam Grace (Rainier) and me (Hotwire).

I can’t discuss the start of the match because I wasn’t there, Ben and I turned up late after sinking a few pre-match pints to calm our nerves - and to give the FH chaps a fighting chance. When we arrived however, I can say that everyone was looking pretty energetic, a little too energetic perhaps considering that we were playing for a full hour without breaks and Team Twitter’s collective level of fitness is that of a consumption-ridden octogenarian.

Always the enthusiastic type, it was only five minutes of standing on the touchline before Ben was calling to be brought into the action. What an impact the bandy-legged Brighton boy made as he charged up and down the left flank shouting, squalling and generally dazzling the opposition with his rust-coloured hair. Along with Tim, Jon and Paul…who formed the rest of our enthusiastic, if mis-firing, attack; Ben regularly ventured into the FH area only to be denied by some classy FH goalkeeping or - more regularly - his own ineptitude.

In the end we managed to score three times - four if Tim’s own goal counts - against a final FH total of a lot. I stopped counting when they got into double figures. We would’ve conceded far more apart from the great defensive efforts of James, our Cech-like keeper, and Sam and Mr Malcolm’s awesome defensive abilities.

Me? Well, I managed to leak two goals within the first five minutes of being on the pitch and thenceforth made it my mission to foul anything within kicking distance on either team. I'm not great. In fact I think it's fair to say that my greatest asset to the team is my superhuman ability to warm benches.

Post stinging defeat, Team Twitter retired to the nearby sanctuary of a local pub to lick our wounds and discuss tactics for the next match-up. It was after this Cloughian debate, where it was decided that to win we need to score more goals and concede fewer, that Malcolm, Matthews and Hoang came up with a great idea.....Harvest Twestival. Therefore proving that desperation can occaisionally bring forth great ideas.

I won't harp on about Harvest Twestival, partially because it's not my idea and I'm jealous and partially because Ben and Tom have done it far more succintly on their blogs than I ever could on mine but I would urge you to take a look, it's a great idea and a fantastic cause.

Anyway the whole match experience is best summed up in this neat little Venn diagram. Negating the point of a match write-up.